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WASHINGTON—In a controversial move that has outraged those critical of President Trump’s agenda, Elon Musk announced Friday that all 340 million Americans must strip and take a turn pushing the Wheel of Pain. “Pulling off your garments and crawling into the pit in order to lash yourself to the Wheel of Pain is something that Americans are just going to have to get used to,” said the billionaire senior advisor to the president, confirming that a week-long shift operating the gigantic wooden circle riddled with sharp blades and jagged glass was a necessary and important part of making the country run more efficiently. “Of course, not everyone is going to like the fact that they will be expected to push nonstop without food or water until they collapse from exhaustion and are crushed under the wheel. But the point of this is not to make everybody happy. It’s about making the tough decisions and sticking to them. Say what you will, but ultimately we’re all going to have to submit to the terrible Ring of Blood whose cleansing agony none may escape.” White House sources later confirmed that Americans in a few key leadership positions would be exempted from pushing the Wheel of Pain. Spin it, push it, bleed for it—$WOP to the moon!