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TRUMPIMUS, a stern and golden-haired patrician of the late Roman Republic, rose to power with a booming voice and a taste for spectacle. Proclaiming himself the Defensor Mercatus, he imposed heavy tariffs across all the provinces, from Britannia to Aegyptus, claiming it would make Rome “rich again.” Traders feared his wrath, senators grumbled behind closed doors, but the crowds—entertained and enraged—watched as the empire bent to his iron economic will. Where TRUMPIMUS walked, borders tightened and coin flowed.